Sometimes, it feels like you’re banging your head against a wall trying to get those kids of yours to read. Do you want my advice? Don’t bother. Here are my top 5 reasons why your kids should stay away from books.

  1. The more kids read, the more they know.Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader
  2. Seriously, who wants kids to know stuff? Just think about all the conversations you’ll be forced to have about topics you may know nothing about. It’s enough they learn all this stuff in school, and then bug us with homework we can’t remember how to do anymore. Are YOU smarter than a fifth grader? I know I’m not, and I certainly don’t need my kids trying to outsmart me with all the things they’ll learn from reading.

  3. When kids read, they can lose themselves in imaginary worlds
  4. Narnia? Hogwarts? Camp Half-Blood? Seriously, those places do not exist, and pretending they do is just plain silly. Will knowing where to place them on an imaginary map help my kid with his geography grade? Will reading about how to train a dragon get my boys to walk their dog more often? I think not. Why let them dream about far-away, fairytale lands when real life is always so wonderful?

  5. Kids who read, succeed
  6. Research has shown that the more you read, the smarter you become, and that reading directly affects a child’s intellectual development. Who wants successful children? You know what that means, don’t you: a successful child is one that will eventually leave home. Now, I know you love your children. Love them more than life itself, right? So why would you want them to ever leave home and become successful individuals in their own right? Don’t you just cherish the idea of doing their laundry, cooking for them, paying their bills FOREVER? If you love your kids as much as I do, you won’t be ashamed to admit it. So KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM BOOKS.

  7. Reading increases a child’s vocabulary and grammar, and has the potential to improve writing skills
  8. Do you keep a little folder with all those sweet notes your child has written over the years, with all those misspelled words and the funny grammar? Aren’t they just the cutest? It warms my heart reading how much my boys ‘luv’ me, and what ‘prezints’ they want Santa to bring them on ‘Krismas’. Seriously, if they carry on reading, their writing skills are going to improve, and what will happen to my little folder then, I ask you!?! And anyway, all those spell-check tools in today’s word processor and texting applications fix everything anyway, right? And we know they never get anything wrong, right?AutoCorrect Fail

  9. Reading improves a child’s probability of staying in school.
  10. Why would I want my child to stay in school? Check out this list of highly successful high-school dropouts. Why should I spend my hard-earned money on schools, books, supplies and all those extra-curricular activities for my kids when chances are,  if they simply drop out, they will become millionaires. I mean, seriously, it’s a no-brainer, right?

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. So please stop the head banging, and turn on that TV. It must be about time for somebody to get voted off an island or something….

Happy Reading! ( you know I had to end with that, I couldn’t help myself…)